“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My inexpensive home security system…
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO