DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
me hitting on a model