[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
You can’t rush stupid.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My dog learned how to text
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes