Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*