A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Noah
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.