me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.