The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
😂 amazing answer
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Don’t touch that.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism