She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The future is now.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still