Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!