Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You Might Also Like
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*