We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
motivation
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
😍😂🥰😂😍
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.