Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”