a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
We’ve all been there
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork