me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
time machine? you mean a clock?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.