Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
inventing words: clothing
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.