…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
seems like a niche market
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”