Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
our love story in four pictures
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.