The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
You Might Also Like
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
March 16
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.