Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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every college guy’s fridge
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.