20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
You Might Also Like
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE