Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges