*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
You Might Also Like
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again