If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.