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I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Well, shit
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL