My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that