Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.