You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle