“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*aggressively waits in line*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?