99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet