Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.