nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: