🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Found a free bandaid at the pool.