Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful