Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
New favorite tiktok
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children