[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
You Might Also Like
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!