I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.