I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
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The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My patience has stretch marks.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman