6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Awesome parenting 😂
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.