Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
#parenting
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.