When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
sliding into dms like
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.