My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
synchronized noseblowing
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…