Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call