I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.