That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You Might Also Like
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Oops I deleted….
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project