Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
This is always good for a laugh.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.