I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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john wicks are toilet candles
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.