I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
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This is amazing.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Overindulged this afternoon.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I hate everything
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen