Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.