the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.