Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
584.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate